Finding your Twin Flame?

All posts related to this can be found in my post “Poems to the Empress“.

Karmic Soul Mates

Karmic Soulmates are temporary. They teach you how to love yourself, love others and heal your inner demons created by the traumas passed down in your family lines or inflicted on you in your youth.

Every relationship where you feel like you’ve found your soul mate, is actually you seeing a “reflection” of yourself; one that you don’t accept, love, realize or understand yet.

Those who are “just like you” are your attempts to love yourself.
Those who are “opposite of you” balance your perspectives.

These relationships end once you’ve learned the lessons you needed. Don’t try to hold on or force a relationship dynamic you have outgrown or you will only slow your growth and repeat lessons you’ve learned.

Staying in a Karmic Relationship once the lessons are learned only hurts you and might slow you down on your path to finding your Balance and aligning with your Twin Flame Soul Mate.

Be your Own Balance

Once you have awakened to the fact that no one can “complete” you and that you need to love yourself, accept yourself, be yourself and “complete” yourself; you become your own balance.

The Ego masks others put on to impress people, no longer impress you. You no longer feel the desire to wear an Ego mask yourself. Relationships no longer become about you; but about your Soul’s Mission or Purpose.

Once you reach this stage, what you look for in a partner changes drastically based on your mission or purpose; rather than your “identity”.

Twin Flame Soul Mate

This… is something else entirely.

Based on all my research, a soul is split in two at creation; each embodying opposite “energy” types on the duality spectrum. One is “Masculine” the other “Feminine”. One is “Light (Loving)”, one is “Dark (Hateful)”. One is “Spiritual”, one is “Scientifical” (Merriam Webster says it’s a real word).

For example, my soul:

Feminine
- Yin perspective.
Scientifical
- Objective and Literal Thinking/Understanding

My Twin Flame would be:

Masculine
- Yang perspective.
Spiritual
- Subjective and Metaphorical Thinking/Understanding

How do you recognize your Twin Flame?

I don’t know yet.

I have not researched this yet as I prefer to “experience and figure it out” before I look up the answer (that might be wrong anyways). So in the interest of avoiding “confirmation bias” I will tell my story that lead me to believe I met mine…

A Personal Story

All posts related to my Twin can be found on my post “Poems to the Empress“.

Below is the story of my journey with the one I believe is my Twin Flame and also a “letter” for her. As I have been in constant confusion about her.

Hopefully this will help eliminate this confusion… for both of us.

First, a quick mini-story!

Our first song. I never listened to the genre before but the flow and emotional tone of it matched exactly how I felt about life at the time.

We were talking about spirituality, the Goddess and other random ideas when the Lyrics about the 3rd Eye were sung. And we just went quiet and vibed to the music together.

Confession time: I jammed out to this song on repeat quite a few times to relive what it felt like that first night we ever hung out and spent all night going through my journals and books while listening to music.

The First Meeting: You’re Different…

The first time I ever “met” her was at my apartment with friends. I didn’t even really pay much attention to her. She was acting like she was insecure and lacked confidence, which I’m not attracted to. Typically I’m seen as a “safe person” by people like that however and they are drawn to me and she wasn’t…?

Odd. That was unusual. She was drawn to someone the opposite of “safe” and acting naive and innocent…? Playing games? I also draw those in too… as I look and act naive and easy to manipulate. What’s her angle?

I was incredibly curious. So I started asking people about her and most said she was “very manipulative”. People saying this I knew were actually selfish / manipulative people themselves; so she was either more manipulative (and a threat) than them, or harmless and one of their victims they were taking advantage of and saying she was manipulative to isolate her from people who might help her.

If she’s a manipulator, awesome, I love a good game and challenge. If she’s genuinely innocent / naive and a victim… paternal drive was kicking in to help her learn to identify “red flags” and manipulation tactics. So I started trying to hang out with her.

First attempts failed… miserably. She is not responding to anything that normally works, ignoring me and reading but not responding to my messages…? This never happens…!?

Getting to know Her

Finally arrange for a guy I knew she liked to bring her over, so I could actually get to know her. End up taking her back to her home for something she needed and got a chance to talk to her. Her repeated “Sorry’s” was an immediate sign of abuse… she’s a victim. I explained to her saying “Sorry” so frequently is “Walking on Egg Shells”, a symptom of abuse.

She couldn’t connect her phone to the Bluetooth speakers while the car was driving, so I pulled over and stopped so she could and listen to her music to calm her anxiety. This “kindness”… shocked her…? But why…?

A Beautiful Mind

The next time we hung out, I didn’t have my car available. She said she’d just borrow her mom’s car and come over anyways. Wait… really? This never happens… I’m so confused?

This is when I truly got to know who she is. We spent hours talking, going through my journals/art, discussing spirituality/beliefs. She started explaining how she saw things, how she thought about things, and though it was very abstract and non-verbal; I understood cognitive science and psychology well enough to know what she meant.

She was only 19 but repeatedly made profoundly wise statements of lessons I’d not even learned until my 30s. Was she reading my mind or was she just this damn intelligent and observant?

I started watching her behaviors and reactions to situations… and every time she reacted with the most optimal response to de-escalate dangerous situations and minimize harm not only to herself… but everyone else as well as their emotions…?

The things she said was as if she had already read everything I’ve written, was reading my mind or someone had prepared her with details about a lot of close personal thoughts and beliefs of mine as well…

My best friend Legatus had hung out with her a few times and she said he told her not to lie to me. I assumed he told her the other stuff as well.

I didn’t think much of it and assumed she was just playing games like every other girl I’ve met, just on a level I’d never seen before. Usually I’d get them to drop the mask or facade, be honest about it and then “team up” so we could “watch each other’s back” and plot/scheme together.

If I can’t get them to be honest, I use it as an opportunity to practice my own game playing. I kept asking her to “Be Real” with the assumption she was just playing games.

She kept getting frustrated however at the suggestion, was not responding in the expected ways when I played my own games and even insulted the above meme because I said “Be Real” in it…!?

Magic

Over the next year the conversations and interactions continued to go in ways I’d not expected or seen before. Even stranger, though I’ve always loved and search for Magic, I’d never seen it before… until now.

Suddenly I started experiencing very strange “altered states of consciousness” whenever she was around; synchronicities started showing up frequently and many times it felt like she was reading my mind.

Despite being very Physical Science minded and never before believing in Spiritual shit, I’ve always been drawn to girls with a strong interest in Spiritual/Metaphysical Sciences. She knew Astrology, Numerology, Tarot and other Divination methods in depth and I was able to learn enough just by watching and listening to her.

After awhile I’d start getting a “feeling” occasionally when I saw certain numbers. I’d look up the numerology meaning and it was usually related to my current situation. Tarot reading videos we’d watch also started appearing directly related to what was happening in our lives.

As I’m aware of all the cognitive biases, logical fallacies and psychological causes for “magical thinking”; I initially thought it was coincidence. Until it happened repeatedly, consistently and daily. I started watching Tarot reading videos on my own and they were still way to specific to be coincidence.

During one I responded out loud to something they said during the reading that was a bit spiteful of someone and the reader then said “I’m getting a channeled message now… ‘Inappropriate!‘”.

Now the context before this would not normally elicit a spiteful comment, but I was feeling like a smart-ass so I made one anyways. Only to be scolded by the person on the video doing the reading…??

This went on long enough for me to just admit defeat and say “Okay, Magic is real! I give up!”. I still assumed she wasn’t being real though, she acted differently depending on who she was talking to but would deny it when asked about it. So I assumed she was being fake with me.

She was being Real…?

After awhile I realized she wasn’t actually being fake with me. She was actually “herself” when it was just us hanging out. Relaxed, smiling, laughing, singing, creating art…

I was curious about her, she’s secretive as hell, and I wanted to understand her. I highly suspected telepathy so I started misleading her with my thoughts in case she could. When we were arguing once, to test if she could actually read my mind, I thought a response that would piss her off really loud, and she responded to it. Not once, but twice in a row.

First I thought: “You’re a liar.“

She got defensive saying: “I’m not lying!“.

Then I thought: “Then why are you mad?”.

She spoke: “Because of you!”.

Probability of that happening by coincidence isn’t literally 1/0 but let’s call it that. Reality was Broken! Telepathy confirmed! Now I can win this game.

I just smirked and said “you just read my mind didn’t you?” 😏… she got an “oh shit” 😳 look on her face and didn’t know how to respond.

Victory is Mine!

Little does she know, I control all my thoughts. I don’t think something unless I choose to, and it usually has nothing to do with me or who I am. Just stuff I’m curious about and want to understand better.

While I don’t lie when I speak or write, I can and do lie with my thoughts sweetheart… 😘

When she looks at me with Hateful eyes once… it had no effect on me. Was interesting to see without being affected by it. However when she looks at me with Loving eyes… they pierce right through my soul.

I freeze and blush… every… single… time.

😳🤭🥰☺😊 <- Me when she looks at me…

She always spoke kindly to me. My life has not been easy, and I’ve been misunderstood and judged by many. I broke down crying once telling her “You talk to me the same way I had to talk to myself in my head so I could survive and not give up…”. 😭

One day when I was staying at her place, I was looking for my lost keys (a regular occurrence in my life); and for the first time since I’ve known her she did something not just different, but made me actually believe she might be real.

She found a ring she said belonged to her Dad and put it on my key ring.

Not only was that a sentimental and meaningful gesture, it also solved my problem expertly. I develop strong attachments to sentimental possessions and since she put that on my key ring I haven’t lost my keys once.

Damn she’s smart…

Testing her Darkness

A strategy I learned to identify abusive people before they could hurt me, was to let them know all my vulnerabilities and “let my guard down” acting innocent and naive to see if they’ll start getting abusive or controlling.

Somehow these tests did trigger her, but she couldn’t explain why and didn’t use them against me initially. Odd. When someone hurts me or triggers me, my inner darkness I call “Custos” (Latin for Guardian) will use words that cut straight through to someone’s soul. Blunt, harsh, truths about them and their vulnerabilities and I’m well practiced using them against someone who hurts me.

When she kicked me out while I was staying with her a couple weeks, was the first time I saw her Darkness verbalized. And it confused me… it was like she’s never used her words to hurt someone before…?? It was almost cute as she tried to insult me… and I just responded to her “Goodbye pasty pervert” with “Goodbye Beautiful Mind”. One of my tests lead to that insult.

“Albino Chihuahua” works just fine and is more accurate if you want to insult me love! I associate being “abused” with being Loved, so you are free to poke fun or be playfully mean to me!

I still don’t understand why I was upsetting her so much; but I stopped testing her and she stopped getting upset. I mistakenly believed this darkness was the “real her”… as my “real self” was very hateful and mean until I fully understood it hurts me more than it helps to act on it.

I screenshot one of those times and told her that was the “her” I wanted to actually speak to. Because no one could possibly be as kind, loving, beautiful, intelligent and caring as she was without it being a mask?

She replied “go fuck yourself” which made me smile and think “yes, finally she’s being real with me!”… then she said something I didn’t expect…

“You just Lost something Real…”

My mind went into a tail spin reading that. I started begging her to explain what she meant…? I didn’t even understand why she was mad???

My thoughts:

Huh…?
Is this another game…?
Is she serious?
Wait… I think she’s serious.
Why does this hurt… holy fuck this really hurts.
Why am I getting nauseous… I feel like I’m about to throw up…

“Custos to the Rescue…?”

Then my inner darkness took over suddenly and unexpectedly. Usually “Custos” unleashes his wrath at this point optimized to inflict the most emotional pain as possible and disable their ability to hurt me anymore or other people.

It said all the things I was unable to say, with the same level of precision and blunt truth that it usually does. With one difference. “Custos” wasn’t trying to say things to hurt her… he… was… being… I guess what you could call nice…?

He didn’t believe she was hurting me intentionally… whoa?

Am I an Idiot…?

But it’s exactly why I fell in love with her…

And not just Her Soul, but Her Ego too…

Custos knew it, and understood the situation even if I didn’t. Compartmentalization of multiple “masks” or behavioral programming strategies as well as related memories was something I’d been doing for almost 20 years, and Custos was a subconscious one with access to it all.

I didn’t even think it was possible for me to feel those “Love” emotions of feeling safe or emotionally vulnerable still. Too many associations with being beaten, lied to, abandoned, insulted or misunderstood. So I repressed those emotions, denied them or ran from them.

The first time I tried to “run away” when I was staying with her… she told me if I ever did that again I could never come back. I was trying to protect her from my crazy… and she wouldn’t let me…

I felt trapped and scared. Terrified of “something” (my Love for Her) that was being repressed, it was the reason I was “testing” her to see how she’d abuse me but I’m sure those tests were why she thought I was acting crazy.

I didn’t want to lose her in my life as she hadn’t done anything to hurt me and actually was the first to help me without expecting anything in return…?

It felt so strongly like she was playing games though. Trying to get me to make a move, but acting like other guys were being inappropriate or “rapey” when they did.

“I ain’t stupid” were my thoughts. I have a 100% “success” (sarcasm) rate on misinterpreting a girl’s words/actions when I make the first move, embarrassing myself, endangering my safety or making them feel very uncomfortable.

I had also decided not to date anyone under 25 and to never make the first move not just for my own protection… but also because respecting her is more important to me than being in a relationship with her.

Now… I’m starting to wonder if I was wrong?

Thinking back over everything… it could easily be argued I’m wrong…?

Maybe she was being real the whole time…?

Her difficulty verbalizing her thoughts and emotions makes it hard to know what was actually going on; but I gave her plenty of hints as clearly as possible that she needed to make the first move and she didn’t.

Tarot gives Answers

All the readings we watched, kept heavily implying we were actual “Soul Mates” which… I was really thinking was a hallucination or delusion, or me just “reading too much into things”.

However… it was consistently.

Every…single…day. For weeks.

Then I noticed Twin Flame and Divine Masculine/Feminine readings were also matching what was happening between us…!? 🤯

This terrified me. I thought I was losing my mind.

After awhile I started understanding more deeply what they were saying in the videos and realized they were also giving me advice…!?

“Patience. She’s going through Karmics and finishing her Awakening still.“

Advice wasn’t just for Her…?

Let someone borrow my car that stopped responding to my texts… a mistake I repeatedly make. I texted my possible TF asking if she could help me go get it.

Next Tarot video said “Solve this yourself. Learn from your mistakes!!!“

Interesting….? 🤔

Texted Legatus who I’d had a falling out with due to toxicity in our friendship due to loneliness. that I know was toxic because I was lonely.

Within minutes this reading showed up on YouTube. Note 0 current views… I was first to see it.

Though I’m Male, I’ve always been more “Feminine” in the Yin sense. Passive and go with the Flow, so in all the readings DF was matching me…

The video told me a lot of negative things I already knew about Legatus…. in enough detail that the probability it was coincidence was too low to be likely!?

All the fucked up shit he’d done in the past, the criminal activity he was currently involved in as well as his polyamorous lifestyle.

Almost all of which I already was aware of and didn’t judge him for as long, as he was honest about everything and no longer did the fucked up shit.

This YouTube video appearing mintues after I texted him with that impossibly accurate and detailed description of him though…!?

Is this real life anymore?
Have I officially gone insane?

I started trying to find a rational explanation for all this, however even psychosis induced delusions and hallucinations aren’t this fucking real!

Maybe all this Spiritual stuff actually is?

Is this a Twin Flame?

I have no other way to describe it. It as if I have traveled to a completely new reality where everything I believed in and everything she believed in both exist and are both real…

Science and Magic…

Magic is Real! So am I by the way…

I no longer can tell the difference between what’s real and what isn’t.

I was afraid of hurting you, or getting hurt, or misinterpreting things and ruining our friendship… which I also value….

The only thing I know is real anymore is myself and how you make feel.

How you make me Feel

I don’t recognize this feeling,
I’ve never felt it before,
It’s unexpectedly healing,
bringing tears and more.

Where did it come from?
What should I do?
Write poetry maybe?
Dedicated to you.

I don’t understand why
you treat me so well?
Do you even have to try?
It’s so hard for me to tell.

You’re so respectful and kind,
You’re sincere but don’t flatter,
Aha, a word comes to mind!
You make me feel like I matter.

Is this Real?

Everything else I question if it’s real or not..

So… if you are real…

I’m sorry if I confused you.
I didn’t intend to hurt you.
I’m always confused….

What have I lied to you about?
Are you sure it was a Lie…?

The way you make me freeze every time you look at me…

I may be a Wolf (Narcissist)…
But remember what I said?
I don’t want you to be mine.
I want to be yours.

The only type of Woman I can handle is an honest one…
Have you been Lying to me, or Yourself?

You rejected me when we first met.
You dodged that kiss in the closet.
Your turn to face the fear of rejection.
If you changed your mind, just kiss me.
Until then, I assume you haven’t changed your mind.
But when you say “You lost something real…” makes me think you have 😉

I’m real. Are you?
Prove it.
Your way.
With Actions, not Words.

You stole my heart… you can keep it if you want…?
I trust you with it….

What would I do without your smart mouth
Drawing me in, and you kicking me out
You got my head spinning, no kidding, I can’t pin you down
What’s going on in that beautiful mind
I’m on your magical mystery ride
And I’m so dizzy, don’t know what hit me, but I’ll be alright
My head’s underwater
But I’m breathing fine

You’re crazy and I’m out of my mind…

I know I look Stupid and Crazy….
I promise I’m actually Crazy Smart…

Soul Purpose/Mission

My research lead to the conclusion that Karmic Soulmates teach us how to Love ourselves and others.

Twin Flames are about a shared Soul Mission or Purpose once you’ve learned all your Karmic Lessons.

The only questions I have for you.

Want to change it with me… together?
Or do I need find someone else…?

I doubt anyone will ever be as amazing as you, but I will move on if you want me to. It will hurt me a lot.. but I’ll be fine and you taught me how to get over it quickly. “Just feel it, cry it out and move on.” were your words.